|
To ensure total empathy with this
story let me first set the scene..... I am one of the younger members of our
bowls club and for no other reason other than no else wanted to do it, I was
appointed entertainment and fundraising officer. Now, the most important
night of the year is “The Presentation Evening”. For the un-initiated this
is when with almost gladiatorial custom those who have won various
competitions, collect their trophies. Get the picture, a little waltz, a
heart-stopping quickstep, the Gay Gordon’s etc. with a bite to eat in
between. Now I, in total innocence contacted an agency with a request for a
quartet comprising of keyboard, drums, double bass and guitar. “Yes sir” was
the reply, “we know exactly what you want as we often cater for groups of
people with an average age of sixty plus”. So my biggest problem had been
solved with a simple phone call, now all I had to do was to arrange the
catering and sell the tickets.
The big
night arrived and I was quite pleased that I had sold all the tickets and
that a good night for all was in prospect. That was until the band
arrived.... Four lads each with electric guitars, amplifiers you could build
houses on and speakers that just got through the double doors. “There must
be a mistake” I said "you can’t be the band I booked!". Out came my contract
with the groups name on and to my horror they said, “Yes that’s us”. “What
sort of music do you play” I asked, “heavy rock” was the reply. It’s a
disaster I thought, I will be banned from the club. I asked if they could
play a waltz, a foxtrot or anything that might at least get the members onto
their feet? “Sorry mate no chance” was the reply, "but we do a little
cabaret act that might keep them entertained until you eat and have your
presentation. After that we will play some music and hope with a few drinks
inside them they might not worry too much". So with reluctance I agreed.
Not the
right thing to have done as it turned out; By 'cabaret act' what they really
meant was what they did when performing at a hen night party. The stage
lights went down, and without warning one of the band members appeared on
stage with nothing on but his socks and a briefcase to cover his modesty. As
the lights came up he began to sing while swinging the briefcase from side
to side, which in turn started other parts of his anatomy to do likewise. It
continued to go downhill with bad language, dirty jokes, coming off the
stage with roaming mikes, and sitting on lady members knees etc. To get a
feel for the type of act they were this is probably the only joke I could
repeat on Bristol Rocks. Two newly weds were discussing how they could best
overcome the problem of both agreeing when they would like to have sex. “I
tell you what,” the groom said, “I call mine the washing and you call yours
the washing machine, then when either of us wants sex we'll just say - do
you want to do the washing?”. “Good idea” the bride replied. So the first
night they went to the bedroom of the hotel where they were staying and the
bridegroom said, “Want to do the washing?”. “No thanks” the bride replied,
“I’ve had a long day and I am so tired”. However, about half an hour after
she awoke feeling quite guilty for refusing her husband on their first night
so she turned to him and said “do you still want to do the washing?” “No
thanks” he said “I’ve done it by hand”
The
tirade continued until the break, then during the raffle it started again
with the bandleader referring to the Bowls club President wearing his chain
of office as “The bloody lord mayor”. Then it was time for the music! Their
first song was “Down down deeper and down”, played it seemed, with the same
volume output as The Quo. It was not long before the place was half empty
with members overheard muttering as they left “never again” and “I hope my
hearing aids are not damaged”. The only bright note (no pun intended) was
that the ones who remained i.e. the younger members, afterwards told me it
was the best Bowls Club night they had ever been too.
|
